Signs your Melbourne cab experience is not going well

I have officially met a cab driver with a worse sense of direction than me. I swear to God.

Signs your Melbourne cab experience is not going well -

1) They don't know which way to South Melbourne

2) They don't know which way to the Casino

3) When one of the ways 'right' leads to the Citylink, they TAKE THE TURN INTO CITYLINK.

4) Once off Citylink, you have to tell them repeatedly to HEAD BACK TOWARDS THE CITY

5) They're unsure of how to do that, so it's HEAD FOR THE SHINY BUILDINGS

6) Except it's "Go left, dammit!"

7) And you, not the driver, crack open the Melways

8) You tell them to head for the Casino via Swan Rd

9) You give up on that and get them to drop you off at City road, where you, shivering, will begin the two or three block trek to work (and thank God I spotted the Kings way train overpass or I'd still be out there!)

10) They want you to pay the full fare!!!!!! I gave her sixteen bucks, I only had change really, and I wanted to eat lunch. She didn't deserve it, and I handed it over to avoid any more trouble. No, that wasn't the full fare.

Needless to say, I'll try to get something done at $taxico, if nothing else some remedial Melbourne navigation is in order. Only 20 minutes late, thank christ, but I'm doing some suspicious coughing and I'm *still* shivering. I should have gotten out when I realised she didn't know where the Casino was, I mean FFS!